Indelible Sins
by MushuofPudding
Summary: Not all mistakes can be erased
1. Chapter 1

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Indelible Sins

plot by MushuofPudding, characters borrowed from Bisco Hatori

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A/N: That's a working title. It was originally going to be "Erase", titled after the song that inspired it. It seems to be taking on a life of its own, so I decided a change of title was in order. Also, it may not seem rated-M atm, but I promise that there's a reason for it. If you notice any errors, please let me know bc I havent proofed it. I was just so excited to have written something new that I wanted to put it up right away.  
All you really need to understand for the plot is that it takes place a little later than high-school age - so somewhere between 19 and 23-ish, I guess.

* * *

It was really late - or early, depending on how you wanted to look at it. Haruhi had probably been asleep for hours, so for her, it was probably early. Hikaru was awake and miserable in a wrecked hotel room, so for him it was late - but he decided to call anyway.

He waited patiently while it rang, his drunken mind spinning. Not knowing that Haruhi could not hear her phone, he assumed that she did not want to speak to him. A tear slid down his cheek when her voicemail picked up after the third ring.

"Haruhi, it's me. Look, I know you don't want to talk to me, but I just really need to hear your voice. I'm losing my mind here. What we did was so wrong. I haven't been able to think straight since then. I need you, Haruhi. Please don't ignore me forever. I think.. I think I'm in love with you. I can't get you out of my head. I keep imagining what we could have had together, that maybe we could have been happy, that it could have worked. I know you're going to tell me that we can't change the past, 'what's done is done,' I know. But we shouldn't just pretend like it didn't happen at all. I need to see you; we need to talk about this. Please, please, call me."

He stared at the cell phone in his hand. He gripped it tighter and tighter until his hand began to hurt. Then he threw it at the wall with all his strength. It clattered to the floor in at least four pieces.

"Shit!" Now she wouldn't be able to call him back- not that he actually thought she would.

He grabbed a half-full wine bottle from the floor and chugged it before passing out on the bed.

xxx

A cold chill ran down Haruhi's spine as she listened to Hikaru's message. She suddenly felt physically sick. She quickly erased his message, and continued getting ready to leave for work, but could not shake the feeling that the message had given her. It was a feeling of emptiness and mourning that emanated from deep within her soul. But she did not have time for that feeling right now. Right now, she had to go to work. She took a deep breath and buried the feelings, telling herself that she would revisit them later.

She took a step out of her apartment and nearly fell when she tripped over something big and relatively soft. Wondering what could have possibly been in front of her door, she turned, and the feeling that she had been trying so hard to suppress returned with a vengeance. Lying at Haruhi's feet, groaning from having been tripped on while sleeping, was Hikaru.

Haruhi's heart began to race as her fight-or-flight mechanism kicked in. Suddenly she had to decide whether to stay and talk to him and deal with these emotions or to leave for work before he finished waking up. With very little deliberation, she chose the latter. She quietly closed and locked her door and walked away quickly down the hallway.

Memories of the last time she saw him began to seep into her consciousness. Memories of feelings and visions and that horrible, horrible sound... Tears began to well in her eyes. She could hear Hikaru's voice in her head. She could feel his gentle touch. It made her want to peel off her skin and change her name. She broke into a run, subconsciously trying to run from those memories.

Hikaru groaned as he came around from being awakened so unceremoniously. He rubbed his ribs as he sat up. He heard the sound of women's shoes clicking on linoleum and looked to the source of the sound. The figure of a woman who could have been no other than Haruhi was retreating quickly down the corridor.

"Haruhi," he called out to her, but no response. "Haruhi, wait!" he called again. This time, the figure began to run. Hikaru scrambled to his feet and began to chase after her. "Haruhi!"

Haruhi realized that the voice was no longer in her head, and that Hikaru was now awake and pursuing her. She ducked into the stairwell and flew down the steps as fast as her heels would carry her. She was only down half the first flight when Hikaru burst through the door.

"Haruhi, wait, please!"

She paused. He sounded so desperate. He looked like he had not slept nor showered in days. His face was scruffy; his clothes were disheveled; and he had bags under his eyes. Her heart broke for him. But her mind did not have the energy to deal with him. She needed to go to work. She could not afford to take any more time off; it had all been used for that time...

"Hikaru, I have to go to work. I don't have time for this." She was determined to keep all those feelings down. If she didn't, she knew that she would fall apart on the spot. She started again down the stairs.

Hikaru followed suit, calling after her, on the verge of tears himself, "Haruhi, please. Don't walk away from me again!"

It was inevitable that Hikaru caught up to her; his legs were longer, and his shoes were flat. She had only had half a flight of stairs to the exit when he caught her by the arm. He pinned her to the wall by that arm. He was panting heavily, seeming far more exhausted than he should have.

"Hikaru! Let go of me!" she demanded, trying to yank her arm from his grasp.

"No..." he choked out meekly. He pulled her into an embrace, but slid slowly down her torso onto his knees. "If I let go of you, you'll leave me again," he said in a hoarse whisper. He began to sob. "I think it's haunting me. It's haunting me because it was my idea..."

Her chest tightened. She was about to break... She had to escape...

"Nothing's haunting you. Here," she handed him the key to her apartment. "Go back upstairs; we'll talk when I get back from work." She peeled him off of her and make her way shakily down the last few steps. Before she walked out the exit, she turned back. He was still crumpled in a heap where she had left him. "Go," she commanded. He looked at her, nodded, sniffled, and stood. "I'll see you later." And with that, she left for work.

* * *

A/N: Yes, I'm already working on the next chapter. No, what happened isn't supposed to be some big secret; I'm sure most of you have already figured it out. It's not my best work, but I've been having a dry spell, so I'm just happy the juices are flowing again. If you're glad too, then please let me know, reviews and feedback make me happy (constructive criticism is also welcomed). :)


	2. Chapter 2

(A/N: Yeah, this has definitely taken on a life of its own. Ain't it grand? ;-) )

* * *

All day at work, Haruhi was distracted. Her mind kept wandering to Hikaru and whether he was ok being alone in her apartment. Eventually, it reached the point that her boss was concerned about her and sent her home early. She reluctantly accepted.

She was not sure what she had been expecting when she opened the door, but she was surprised to see Hikaru asleep on the couch. It was not a peaceful sleep, however. His eyebrows were furrowed, and he was tossing and twitching and moaning in his sleep. He seemed like he was in pain.

She walked up to him and stroked his hair gently. Almost immediately, his face relaxed, and his breathing evened. He looked so child-like and innocent when he slept. It caused her to feel a pang of guilt. He would not be so miserable right now, if she had not gone to him in the first place.

It had only been about a year and a half ago, but it seemed like another lifetime.

*.*.*

"You and Tamaki haven't done it yet? Seriously?"

"Ssshh! Don't say that so loudly!" Haruhi hissed at her friend Annabelle.

It was a wednesday afternoon, and the two young women were having lunch at a nearby cafe, after spending the morning studying for an afternoon test.

"But you have actually _done it_ before, right?" Annabelle continued a bit more quietly.

"..."

"Are you serious?"

"Sshhh!"

"Has he?"

Haruhi sighed. "I don't actually know. I've never asked, and he's not the type to bring the subject up voluntarily."

Annabelle considered for a moment before replying, "Well, I suppose that could be a good thing. I mean, if he's too shy to even talk about it without blushing, then maybe he's still as much of a virgin as you are."

"Annabelle!" Haruhi hissed while Annabelle snickered.

"Even if he's not, you should just ask him. It's always better to know these things ahead of time. ...You know, so you can be prepared."

A concerned expression found its way onto Haruhi's face. "Prepared you say... Exactly what do I need to prepare for? Is it really as painful as they say it is in manga?"

Annabelle took another sip of her coffee. "Well, it hurts some, but to be honest, that's not what I remember most... My first time sucked," Annabelle stated bluntly. "But that was ok because it was with a friend of mine who was helping me practice."

"Helping you...practice?" Haruhi asked, trying to sound more curious than incredulous.

"Yeah," she elaborated, "I was curious, and I didn't want my first time with someone I cared about to suck. So I figured I would get the first time over with, with someone who wouldn't judge me."

Haruhi was slowly digesting this concept, when Annabelle added, "And when I did have my first time with a boyfriend, it was spectacular."

More for Haruhi to consider...

*.*.*

First things first, Haruhi needed to know whether Tamaki was actually a virgin or not. Because, if he was, then there was no need for her to worry about it at all. So she called the person whom she knew, for sure, would know.

"Hello, Kyoya, I'm very sorry to be bothering you; I know you're on your way to class."

"Not a problem. Is there something you need?"

"There's something I wanted to ask you..."

When she did not ask her question right away, Kyoya prompted her, "Go ahead."

But Haruhi continued to hesitate. "Um... It's a little embarassing..."

"Would you prefer to ask in person?"

"No!" she exclaimed a little too emphatically. "Sorry... no, in person would be so much worse." She paused again. Kyoya was about to check whether she was still on the line when she blurted out, "Kyoya, is Tamaki a virgin?"

Kyoya was taken aback by this question, so it took him a moment before answering. "No, he's not... Why do you ask?" he queried. "And why would you ask me? Isn't that something you should be discussing with him?"

Haruhi completely skirted his question. "Ok. Thank you so much Kyoya. I'll let you get to class. I'll see you at Hani-sempai's party. Bye."

Kyoya let it slide. "Ok, bye."

"Who was that?" Tamaki asked curiously, noticing Kyoya's bemused expression as they walked to their next class together.

"Just a friend who needed some information."

*.*.*

Haruhi tossed and turned in her bed that night. She continually had visions of what her first time with Tamaki would be like if she did not know what she was doing. She imagined how upset he might be if she stopped him midway because it hurt too much. She imagined him breaking up with her because the sex was bad- as well as a hundred other ridiculous notions that her mind manufactured. Then she began to hear Annabelle's words in her head about how spectacular it had been after she had had some practice. It was then that she resolved to ask for help (like this was freaking math homework). It put her mind at ease and she fell asleep.

* * *

A/N: I don't think it's as long as the previous chapter or as long as I would have preferred, but I like where it picked up and where it ended, so I guess it's fine. If you liked it, please review. Reviews are so much fun! -Or if you didn't like it, or found mistakes- or if you figured out what the hell I'm talking about (lmao)!- then, yeah, reviews plz :-D


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Errors were found (thank you, Hime), so if you find any more or have any questions, let me know. Btw, thank you all for those who have reviewed. It thrills me to pieces, like really. :-)

* * *

The sound of Hikaru whimpering broke Haruhi from her reverie. She looked down at him and realized he was crying in his sleep. It amazed her, how much worse he had taken this than she had- which was completely illogical, for a number of reasons, even if it _hadn't_ been his idea. She wondered about what exactly he was dreaming and about what he could have been dreaming that had put him in the state he was when she tripped on him that morning. She debated whether or not to wake him and resumed stroking his hair in hopes that it would soothe him again. It did.

She wondered what it would be like if things were different, if they had not made the choices they made, if _she_ had not made the choices she had made. She wondered what it would have been like if she had not gone to Hikaru that night after Hani-sempai's birthday party.

*.*.*

It was already late when everyone was leaving the Haninozuka residence in a mostly-sober state. It had been great fun; they had so few chances anymore for all of them to be together at once.

Tamaki was hanging all over Kyoya, wailing about some obscene joke that someone (probably one of the twins) had made about him. It was a total wonder to her that he was not a virgin. But she knew that Kyoya would not have given her misinformation. So she took the opportunity to speak to Hikaru privately.

She walked over to him and spoke very quietly next to him.

"Hey, Hikaru, are you free tomorrow afternoon?"

He mimicked her casual demeanor, but understood that it was about something important. "Not before four; I have class. But after that, yeah. Why what's up?"

She paused for a moment to choose her words before replying, "Ok, that's fine. Can you come over to my place after that? I need to talk to you about something; there's a favor I need to ask."

Hikaru was a bit concerned, but agreed.

Tamaki, having recovered from his episode, came up to Haruhi and put his arm around her. They said their goodbyes to everyone, and Tamaki took her back to her apartment.

He kissed her goodnight, and went home.

*.*.*

The next day, Haruhi had to make a point of not being nervous all day. She threw herself headlong into work at her part-time until she got off at 3. After that, she still had over an hour to obsess about what she was about to ask of her friend. She went home and took a shower, just in case something did actually happen that day. Then she remembered the box of condoms that was somewhere in her bedroom- something her father had given her (forced her to have) when she and Tamaki had officially started dating. She found it buried in her closet, still unopened. But at least they had not expired yet. She put it in her nighttable drawer.

It was four...

She put on some tea. She needed to be doing something other than sitting around waiting for her friend to get to her apartment so that she could ask him to have sex with her... Even to her, just thinking about it seemed so out of character for her. The sounds of the tea kettle and the knock at her door coincided. Haruhi nearly jumped out of her skin.

"Coming!" she called toward the door while she took the tea off the heat.

When she opened the door and saw Hikaru there, the reality of her chosen actions began to set in. She tried to stifle her nerves as best as she possibly could and invited him in.

She could not even attempt small talk while she poured them tea. He sat on the couch waiting patiently for her. Then she handed him a cup of tea and sat beside him.

Hikaru was the first to break the awkward silence.

"Haruhi, is everything ok? You asked me to come over here, but you have yet to say three words to me."

Haruhi stared into her tea, trying to muster the courage to approach the topic. She took a deep breath.

"Hikaru, are you a virgin?"

Hikaru nearly choked on his tea. "Haruhi..." he started, thinking that she was trying to avoid the subject.

"Are you?" she pressed.

"No..." he was not sure where she was going with this.

"I am," she declared, enforcing that this was what she needed to discuss.

At first, Hikaru was not sure what to make of her statement or how to respond. Then confusion for another reason crossed his face. "But you and Tono have been together for, like, ever. You can't possibly not have had sex yet."

She affirmed her statement with a look.

Hikaru, still a bit confused, then asked, "Ok, so why are you telling me this?" he asked. "It's not not like I can do anything about that."

Haruhi swallowed hard as she glanced up at him. "Actually..." Her heart began to race. She knew she was about to do something stupid or humiliating. "That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about."

Hikaru's mouth went dry, but he could not bring himself to bring the cup of tea to his lips. He just sat there and stared at Haruhi, waiting for her to elaborate. He needed her to say something, so finally he managed to choke out, "Ok?"

Finally was the moment of truth: she could either say it straight or chicken out.

"Hikaru, will you teach me how to have sex?"

Hikaru blinked at her. He was not sure whether to laugh, cry, or tackle her. He chose none of the above.

"...That's kind of an experience-based knowledge... It's not exactly something I can 'teach' you, per se, without, you know..."

"Yes, Hikaru, I did just ask you to have sex with me," she reiterated.

Hikaru had no response for this. He felt a rush of desire, followed by a rush of guilt. He sighed.

"As much as, I'm sure you know, I want to have sex with you, we can't. You're dating one of my best friends. We can't do that to him." He forced himself to feel this way, to think first and not just immediately give in to the woman who was, no matter how you looked at it, _offering herself_ to him. He sighed again.

Haruhi had an answer to that. "We're not doing anything 'to' him. I want to do this _for_ him. I want our first time to be great- not that he seems interested. And I want you to teach me. Because you're my friend, and I trust you. I want you to teach me how to move so that it feels good, how to kiss so that it curls your toes, I want to know what I'm doing."

Hikaru was sold. Right then, he was having trouble resisting the urge to attack her. There was no way he could deny her now. He sighed defeatedly. It was quite an emotional struggle to feel horny and gulity simultaneously.

"So, where do you want to start?"

Haruhi hesitated. "Um.. I don't know exactly. The last time Tamaki and I did anything, I got all stiff and nervous, and he hasn't touched me like that since. I'd really like to get over that, so..."

Hikaru thought for a moment, before saying, "Ok, I have an idea. Here.." He positioned her on the couch so that she was angled more toward him. "Close your eyes." She did. When she did, he continued. "I'm going to kiss you. Don't think about anything, just follow my lead and let your body do what it wants." She nodded.

Hikaru steadied his nerves and leaned toward her. He rested one arm across the back of the couch and his other hand atop Haruhi's hands, which were neatly folded in her lap. He gently pressed his lips to hers.

* * *

A/N: I might not be updating for a bit; I'm having trouble with the next chapter. But I did use the computers on campus to finish this chapter for you, instead of studying. Appreciate it (that means review).


	4. Chapter 4

(A/N: Thank you for your patience and all the positive reinforcement. This was actually a lot of trouble to write (I think that's bc i forgot how to think like a virgin, lmao), so I hope you enjoy it. As always, please let me know if you find any typos, continuity errors, or if something specific is unclear. This is being published rather hastily because it took so freaking long!)

* * *

Haruhi looked down at Hikaru's lips. He was still sleeping peacefully. She could still remember how soft they had been. That kiss had been the turning point. Easily one of the sweetest mistakes she had ever made.

*.*.*

At first, for Haruhi, it was nothing special, no magic, no sparks, just lips. Albeit, they were nice, soft lips. She opened one eye to see if Hikaru was feeling what she was. But his eyes were closed. He squeezed her hand as he put more gentle force into the kiss. Clearly, _he_ was feeling something. Haruhi closed her eye again and tried to let her body do... whatever it was that it was supposed to be doing.

Hikaru inched closer to her on the couch. His hand moved from her hands to her thigh, squeezing it lightly. He started moving his lips, parting hers. She obliged, and he slipped his tongue over hers. His other arm slid from the back of the couch, resting his hand on the small of her back. His fingers caressed her gently through her shirt.

The sensations of Hikaru's hands and Hikaru's tongue were strange to Haruhi. Not bad, necessarily, just strange- because it was not Tamaki. She kept telling herself that it was ok, that she was doing this for Tamaki, that the outcome would be worth it. Her words became white noise in her head as she convinced herself to go with the flow and enjoy the experience. She allowed her tongue to move, timidly at first, against Hikaru's.

Hikaru, pleased that Haruhi was responding, gripped her gently with his fingertips. That simple act sent a hum resonating through her body, causing it to begin reacting on its own. Her hands became bolder, one venturing from her lap up Hikaru's forearm, the other onto his thigh. Hikaru attempted to disguise his pleasured shudder by pulling Haruhi closer and deepening their kiss. To both their surprise, she did not object. Instead, her tongue became more adventurous and followed his lead.

His hands migrated to her sides. He slid his palms up her ribcage and down her hips. This elicited the slightest moan from Haruhi. She had to try very hard to overcome the embarrassment of making such a sound, but she allowed herself to continue. Hikaru sensed her hesitation, so he did not allow his hands to explore further just yet. Unfortunately, though he wanted to take things slowly and ease Haruhi into the act, he was becoming rapidly aware of his physical arousal.

His hands resumed their motion with a bit more fervor. In response to this, Haruhi's hands began to travel as well. They roamed slowly, one up his arm, the other up his torso, becoming aware of the muscle underneath the fabric. Her fingers ghosted across his shoulders and up his neck, grazing the hairs at the nape. Hikaru shivered involuntarily. He finally released Haruhi's lips and began kissing a trail from her jaw to her neck. He was gentil at first, just butterfly kisses. It was such a sweet sensation; Haruhi tilted her head, allowing him better access. Her willingness was encouraging, so his kisses became more intense. He licked and sucked and nipped up the side of her neck. When he reached her ear, she moaned again, this time with a bit less inhibition. She tangled her fingers in his hair and tugged on it slightly. This elicited an impassioned groan from Hikaru. He laid her back on the couch.

He hovered over her, unsure of whether to continue. The look in her eyes as she looked up into his went from lustful to aware to concerned.

"Why did you stop?" she asked. "Don't stop. If you stop, then I'll get nervous." She seemed so innocent for what she was asking.

"You are so cute," he chuckled as he lowered his lips once again onto hers.

Their tongues undulated against each other, and soon their bodies began to do the same. Hikaru's hands resumed their exploration of Haruhi's body, much more boldly than before. As his hands traveled up the sides of her ribs, his thumbs caressed her breasts. He hovered over her as he expertly unbuttoned her blouse. He took an extra moment to admire the beauty beneath him. Then he lowered his mouth onto her newly exposed chest.

A hot chill ran through Haruhi when she was suddenly exposed to the man hovering over her, but she made no attempt to cover herself. And when his mouth made contact with the skin between her breasts, her back arched up of its own accord. Hikaru took that opportunity to unclasp her bra. He once again ran his hands up her sides and his thumbs over her breasts.

The sensation of his hands exploring her body was intoxicating. Her hands found their way under the hem of his shirt and began to take their own turn at exploration. His torso was hot and sinewy. She could feel under his soft skin, his muscles contract and relax as he balanced himself over her. Before her hands had migrated much higher, Hikaru removed his shirt for her, pulling it over his head and tossing it aside.

Hauhi was surprised at what she saw. She was not sure what she had been expecting, possibly something that resembled the body of the boy from high school. But this was the body of a man. She was surprised by the definition of his muscles - and by the tattoo over his left breast. She brushed her fingers over it curiously. Hikaru pressed her hand flush against his chest. She could feel his heart pounding. It sent a flutter through her, and her own heart began to beat harder. Hikaru guided her hand up and around his neck; her other followed suit. His arms snaked around her waist and pulled her up onto his lap. Naturally, her legs wrapped themselves around his hips.

Once again they were lip-locked and exploring each other. Haruhi's unbuttoned shirt and bra fell from her shoulders when Hikaru began kissing down her neck. As his trail continued to her chest, he tilted her backward for better access. This shifted her weight right onto his groin. Until that point, he had been managing to restrain himself to what he thought she could handle. Suddenly, that had become nearly impossible as most of his blood had now left his head. He grabbed her hips and ground his pelvis up against hers; he hissed with a sharp pleasured inhale.

Haruhi gasped and dug her fingernails into Hikaru's shoulders. She could feel the burning need between her legs pressed right up against the cure between his (so close and yet so far). Her hips began rocking cautiously at first, but that only intensified her need. Still, she continued the motion. Then Hikaru began to assist her; he began to move in time with her and push her down onto him, increasing the friction.

Haruhi was losing herself in the sensations- Hikaru's hands on her waist, his body against hers, his lips on her skin, his manhood... Her hands began to fumble with his belt buckle. Even if she had never actually done it before, her body knew exactly what it needed and where to find it.

Hikaru leaned back on the couch and caressed Haruhi's thighs as he watched her unbuckle his belt. When she had succeeded, she began to unbutton the fly of his jeans. Her thumb unintentionally brushed up against his now fully erect member, which pressed acutely against the fabric of his pants. She was surprised at how very hard it was, so she deliberately rubbed her thumb up it again. Hikaru's abdominal muscles and the member itself both twitched in reaction. A lustful groan escaped Hikaru's throat.

Before Haruhi could continue with the fly, Hikaru stood from the couch, lifting her with him. She squeaked from surprise.

"Bedroom," was all he said.

Suddenly, the nervous voice in Haruhi's head got much louder again. She realized that this was really about to happen. Her heart began to race, but not in the fluttery, excited way, like before. Now it was anticipative and anxious. She unconsciously gripped Hikaru's shoulders, her fingers trembling ever-so-slightly. He looked at her and saw the worry written on her face. That was all the buzz-kill he needed. He sighed and let her to her feet.

Haruhi was confused for a moment. Then she sighed annoyedly. "See, this is what I mean. This is exactly what happened with Tamaki, too. He did the exact same thing that you just did."

Hikaru said nothing, but he understood the problem now. He paused for a moment before suggesting, "Ok, well, we'll go to the bedroom, and we'll see what happens." That was all he had at the moment. He really had no idea what exactly was going to happen, or even what he _wanted_ to happen. But Haruhi nodded and they entered her bedroom together.

* * *

(A/N: I know! I hate me too! But it couldn't be helped, they couldn't have sex right now; it just didn't happen that way. If you hate me too, review, and tell me. If you love me anyway, review and tell me! Also, I noticed that some of you said that you had some thoughts about what it is that Hikaru is obsessing over. So far, I only know of one person who nailed it, so please if you think you know, I'd love to hear from you- preferably by pm instead of review.)


	5. Chapter 5

(A/N: _Finally._ I know it took a while, but, to those of you who reviewed, thank you. It was really motivating to know that I was writing for people who actually wanted to read it. *tear*)

* * *

Hikaru awoke slowly to the sensation of his hair being stroked. He blinked his eyes open, but otherwise did not stir, to see Haruhi sitting above him on the armrest of the couch. She was not looking at him and was absently stroking his hair while she stared off into her own thoughts. He wondered what she was thinking about.

*.*.*

Haruhi sat heavily on the end of her bed, feeling completely convinced that she was somehow defective. She sighed defeatedly as Hikaru sat beside her.

"There is something wrong with me. I am fundamentally, un-sexy. They should use me as the poster-child for abstinence. Guys would take one look at me and never want to have sex again."

Though Hikaru knew that Haruhi was actually depressed and that that this was actually bothering her, he could not hold back his laughter. Haruhi gave him an annoyed look, and he attempted composure.

Through his stifled giggles, he apologized, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know you're trying to be serious. I'm sorry," and his giggles fully subsided. He took a deep breath and wiped the smirk from his face, so he could speak seriously. "It wasn't you exactly," he told her. "-When I picked you up, you suddenly got nervous, right?"

She nodded.

"Well, that was written all over your face. It looked a lot like fear. It makes a guy feel like a criminal."

Haruhi's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. She objected with slight indignation, "But, I mean, of course I'm nervous, all I ever hear about is how much it hurts the first time, and you know..." Then the indignation faded, replaced with embarrassment, and she looked away as she added quietly, "... this is all new to me."

Hikaru looked at her, and a soft smile graced his lips. She really was just so cute. He put his arm around her shoulders. The voice in his head of all-things-right-and-good had returned, so instead of asking whether she wanted to try again, he told her, "You know, you really should be telling all this to Tono."

Haruhi breathed deeply. "Yeah, I know. It's just not an easy subject to bring up to him."

"Sex.. is not an easy subject.. to bring up to your _boyfriend_?" Hikaru asked skeptically.

"Sex is not an easy subject for me to bring up, period," she replied shyly, but resolutely. In her mind, there were still so many questions that she wanted to ask him, but none were brave enough to come to her mouth. With each thought that came to mind, a wave of embarrassment would stop her from voicing it. Despite her attempt at composure, a crimson blush began to flood up her neck and wash over her cheeks and ears. She stared down at her hands as if they were suddenly the only visible object in the room.

Hikaru had not been looking at her, but when she stopped talking, he turned to her and watched the blush creep up her neck as she fidgeted with her fingers. He sat bemusedly watching her struggle with herself. Then he decided to break her concentration.

"What on earth are you thinking about for you to be blushing that hard?"

That ripped Haruhi quite forcibly from her inner dialogue, bringing a question with her. The words tumbled from her mouth as if she had not intended to ask the question at all, "How do I fix it?"

Hikaru was taken aback by her reaction. He blinked and replied, "Fix what?"

She had surprised herself with her own question, but now she wanted to know the answer. "How do I make it so that you'll - _Tamaki_ will have sex with me? How do I stop making that face?" Though her voice was calm, her eyes sparkled with anticipation. If that was really the biggest problem, then fixing that would fix everything!

Hikaru overlooked her Freudian slip and answered her question very matter-of-factly, "Don't be scared."

Her excitement dissipated as quickly as it had appeared. Haruhi rolled her eyes and huffed in frustration. After all that, she was back to square one...

Hikaru chuckled, but Haruhi glared at him, so he stopped.

Haruhi was quiet for a minute. Then she said in a slow tone that Hikaru could not quite read, "Well, I guess I'm back to where I started..." She looked up at him, her expression nondescript. "Hikaru, have sex with me."

Hikaru blinked and tried to stammer out "no," but failed to manage anything coherent as the battle between horny and guilty once again began to wage within him. His conscience was doomed to lose this battle, however, because now he knew what her bare skin felt like under his fingers, what her lips tasted like. And to make matters worse, she was asking him this question while she was still _topless_.

It only took ten seconds for the battle to be over. Hikaru pushed Haruhi down onto the bed. She fell back with a surprised _eep_ sound, but had no opportunity to say anything else because Hikaru's lips were immediately covering hers and his tongue was already exploring her mouth.

This kiss was so much different from the first one. The first had been gentle and cautious, as if he were afraid to scare her away. This kiss now was dominant and feral, determined and possessive. He pulled her up the bed, so that she was lying in the middle, completely underneath him. His body was hot as he leaned his bare chest against hers while he kissed her neck. But his chest was not the only thing that pressed against her; his erection had returned with a vengeance, and it was beginning to take over the situation. Hikaru's hips had begun undulating ever-so-slightly, keeping time with the rhythm of his kisses.

Haruhi had not completed her earlier task of unbuttoning Hikaru's pants, so this time, he did it himself. He slid them off easily, leaving the boxers on, and kicked them to the floor behind him. Then he whispered in a deep, husky tone in Haruhi's ear, "Take off your pants." As he did so, he rubbed his thumbs over her soft nipples.

Such a command numbed Haruhi's mind to any concept of resistance, or even reluctance, and she obeyed automatically. Meanwhile, Hikaru's mouth had found its way to one of her nipples. His teeth grazed it, and his hot tongue flicked it. Haruhi gasped and paused her actions. She instinctively grabbed the strong arms that caged her to support her pleasured-induced tremor. Hikaru smirked and repeated the action, eliciting the same response. And since it was his doing that she had stopped removing her pants, he took it upon himself to _aid_ her. He slid his hands and tongue down her torso.

When he reached her hips, he hooked his thumbs into the waistbands of her pants and panties and continued downward. He slid her pants all the way off her ankles and tossed them aside with his own. He kissed the inside of her left ankle. Haruhi's toes curled. Then he began to trail kisses up her leg, to the crook of her knee, up her thigh... Haruhi's legs began to tremble when Hikaru's lips met their next destination, but Hikaru held them steady as he draped them over his shoulders.

"Aahh! Hikaru, what are you doing?" she gasped. Hikaru said nothing as he disappeared from Haruhi's line of vision. Then she felt his tongue, hot and deliberately rigid as it pressed against her most sensitive places. She squealed involuntarily. The sensation instantly and tremendously embarrassed her, so she instinctively tried to close her legs on Hikaru's head to push him away. Hikaru stayed this action, however, and retaliated by vigorously flicking his tongue over her ever-so-sensitive, tiny, pink nub. Haruhi cried out and grabbed her fists into Hikaru's hair.

Hikaru licked his lips, trying to remove the bemused smirk from them as he surfaced. He resumed his trail of kisses up her body. When he reached her mouth again, he realized that his hips were cradled between Haruhi's knees and that his erection had slipped through his boxers and was now pressed against Haruhi's bare flesh. His hips bucked on their own, the friction eliciting a grown from the young man.

Haruhi's hips responded in kind. Her body was also acutely aware of what was where.

Hikaru positioned himself at Haruhi's opening, the tip just barely touching.

"Are you ready?" he asked. He looked into her eyes for only a brief moment, then refocused his attention instead to her lips, lest she give him that worried look again.

Haruhi took a deep breath. "Yes." She closed her eyes and awaited the pain that she was sure was about to come. But she felt nothing. Then she heard the sound of something tearing. She opened her eyes and lifted her head slightly. Hikaru was putting on a condom. Haruhi mentally slapped herself for forgetting something so important. She let her head fall back down as Hikaru returned to his position.

He slid in slowly, allowing Haruhi's body to adjust, inch by inch, until he was fully sheathed within her. She felt invaded. It was not an altogether _bad_ feeling. It was just strange. It also did not hurt quite as much as she had anticipated. It was a little bit painful as he pushed it in, but she did not even cry. She exhaled a breath that she had not realized she had been holding, and her body relaxed bit.

Hikaru took that as his cue that he could move. He pulled out slowly, and a pleasured hiss escaped his clenched teeth. Then he pushed all the way back in, in one slow deliberate thrust. He moaned loudly, almost as if he were in pain. Then he continued in a slow, deliberate rhythm. He intended to maintain control for as long as he could. But this was a virgin he was doing. She was tight and hot and absolutely exquisite. When she cried his name, he almost came right then. He thrust into her hard, then captured her lips as she gasped, using his mouth to absorb her moans. He increased his pace, and she gripped his shoulders with her fingernails.

Haruhi could feel the tension building inside her with every thrust. She felt like a spring being coiled, tightened. Then the spring was finally released. Haruhi cried out as she was hit with the most intense wave of euphoria she had ever felt. Hikaru tensed over her as he came too. He collapsed on top of her, and they rode out the aftershocks together.

After a few minutes enjoying the afterglow, Hikaru rolled off of Haruhi, and, while lying on his side, propped up by his elbow, he smirked.

"So, did you learn anything?"

* * *

A/N: Ok, so yeah, i know, its still just sex, but i couldnt just leave the scene with, "so they had sex." that would have sucked. so i finished it out properly. now i can get back to the point, which is all of the drama and such. so yeah, review and tell me that you're glad i updated, just so i know that you still care- even if the sex doesnt mean anything to you (somehow, that sounded wrong...).


	6. Chapter 6

(A/N: yes! finally, _something_. i'm so sorry for the wait :-( i'm actually not thrilled with this chapter; it almost doesn't all fit together. i have a feeling that there's something wrong with it that i'm not seeing, so if you find faults with anything or have questions, let me know. enjoy!)

* * *

Haruhi was slightly startled by the vividness of her daydream/memory. She took a deep breath and shook the thoughts from her mind. She needed some tea. Very gently, so as not to wake Hikaru, she stood from the couch, and padded into the kitchen.

The warm tea was soothing. She inhaled the aroma and enjoyed the peaceful feeling it brought to her. She glanced over at Hikaru who had not stirred since she had gotten up. She was going to need all the peace she could muster to deal with him when he awoke.

"It wasn't your fault, you know," she spoke to Hikaru in a gentle tone, not realizing that he was awake. "I mean, the decision was ultimately mine. And I was the one who approached you in the first place... I'm sorry... If not for my selfishness, you wouldn't be so miserable. I thought I could have my cake and eat it too. I ran to you for comfort. I used you..." Her voice choked out and she sniffled as she failed to stop the tears that welled in her eyes.

Hikaru wanted to jump up and grab her in his arms, to comfort her. He used to be the person she ran to. He knew that; he loved that. Being "used" had never crossed his mind. He had always been happy to be whatever Haruhi needed. The sex had been great, but it had always been secondary to the fact that she had needed him in her life. Even so, he had let Tamaki have her. He had known how much Haruhi loved him, so he was willing to step aside for the sake of her happiness. Even when given the opportunity to have a family with her, he had suggested such a thing... Then he stood by, unable to do anything, while she suffered through it. She could not possibly want his comfort anymore. It was no wonder that she had severed ties with him.

He pretended to shift in his sleep to face the back of the couch, so that she would not see his tears.

xxx

After that night, an unusual phenomenon took place. Frequently, when friends have sex, they become more distant and awkward. For Hikaru and Haruhi, the exact opposite happened: they had been close before, but after, they became practically best friends. They would talk for hours, regularly, about everything and nothing. Haruhi even told Hikaru all about her first time with Tamaki. They went to each other for advice- about relationships, about friends, about life, or even just about what to have for dinner.

They also continued Haruhi's "lessons." It did not happen regularly, just occasionally, when the opportunity for "practice" was available or there was something new that Haruhi wanted to learn (fellatio, for example). However, it always remained platonic, truly just life experience given from one friend to another. There was never any question between them that she belonged to Tamaki.

That question did not arise until after that night that Haruhi knocked on Hikaru's door.

There was a thunder storm, so Hikaru, naturally, was concerned about Haruhi. He had not yet spoken to her that day, but when he gave her a call, it went right to voicemail. She must have been with Tamaki. That was fine, so he continued getting ready for bed.

It must have been fate that night that kept him awake, listening to the sound of the rain, unable to fall asleep. Had he not been awake, he would not have heard the rapping on his door. It was such a small, timid sound at first that he barely recognized it over the sound of the rain pounding on his windows.

Still in his pink, silk boxers and barefoot, he made his way to the door. He peered through the peephole, but saw no one, so he grabbed the baseball bat that he kept next to the door. He had a made his share of enemies over the past few years, so he could never be too careful. With the handle of the bat in his right hand, he unlocked the door with his left. Slowly, he opened it and peered around the wood. The bat fell from his hand and clattered onto the floor.

At his door, stood Haruhi, drenched from head to toe and creating a small puddle beneath her feet.

Her lips were pale and quivering slightly, but a weak smile crossed them when Hikaru appeared. "Hi. Sorry, did I wake you?" Barely had she spoken the words when she began to waver on her feet. Hikaru had but a second to respond as she collapsed into his arms.

"Haruhi! Shit! Haruhi!" He lifted her and jostled her, trying futilely to rouse her. Her skin was cold as death and her breath was shallow. He lifted her over his shoulder and carried her fireman-style to his bathroom.

He laid her limp body on the floor of his shower and turned on the hot water. As he knelt beside her, he began stripping the cold, soaked clothes from her tiny, shivering form. Then he held her against his bare chest, allowing the hot water to flow over both of them. He realized then, that she was not the only one shaking.

Eventually, Haruhi stopped shivering and her skin began to regain its normal color and warmth, so Hikaru turned off the water and grabbed an oversized fluffy white towel from the rack and wrapped her in it as he carried her to his bedroom. He dressed her in a pair of his boxers and a t-shirt and tucked her snuggly under the comforter. Somehow, given the situation, he felt compelled to keep watch over her in the chair beside the bed, rather than next to her in it.

Morning came, and the sound of clanging cookware from the kitchen woke Hikaru from his slightly-less-than-sound slumber. He had a horrible crick in his neck from sleeping in a chair all night. Rubbing his sore neck, he glanced to the empty bed, and it took only a moment for the night's events to come rushing back to him. He jumped up from the chair. Then he heard the sound of silverware, so his suddenly racing thoughts slowed, and he made his way to the kitchen.

That is where he found Haruhi, looking pink and warm and happy. He breathed a sigh of relief that she was ok. After he had put her to bed, he had debated whether to call a hospital- or at least Kyouya. He was very glad that he had not made a horrible mistake by not doing so.

"Good morning," she greeted cheerfully when she noticed him standing there. "Thank you for taking care of me last night. I'm sorry if I worried you."

Hikaru was taken aback by her nonchalant demeanor.

"Haruhi, what on earth happened to you last night? How did you even get here during a thunderstorm? I tried calling you, but you phone was off. Were you at Tamaki's? Did something happen? Why didn't you call me?" His string of questions would have gone on, but he could not think of any more at the moment.

"Sorry," she apologized again, sounding more remorseful. "Honestly, I don't really know how I got here. I just left Tamaki's and kept walking. I was so upset that I couldn't even think about anything else-"

"But Haruhi, you _fainted_- passed out, right in my arms. Are you ok? Are you sure you should be up right now? Shouldn't you still be in bed?"

Haruhi chuckled at his franticness. "Yes, I'm fine." She grabbed his hand and looked into his eyes when he still seemed skeptical, "Really."

He grabbed her and pulled her into a hug. She patted and rubbed his back as if he were the one who needed comforting. In that moment, he realized exactly how worried he had been. Suddenly, holding her like that felt different. He released her.

"I'm really glad you're ok." He smiled down at her and kissed her forehead. "So, what happened with Tamaki that had you so upset that you would go walking around in the middle of a thunderstorm?"

She sighed deeply and thumped her head against his chest. "Can I tell you about it after we eat?"

* * *

(A/N: i'm sorry if the ending is a little weird, but it can't be helped. please review with your thoughts, feelings, or criticisms.)


	7. Chapter 7

(A/N: i was so displeased with the previous chapter (except the beginning; that was great) that i wound up finishing the next one in just a few days, but i'm so much happier with it. i cant believe that i dragged this part out for over 1300 words. this is why i didn't put it in the last chapter. as always, if you see a problem that i overlooked, please tell me. otherwise, enjoy!)

* * *

Haruhi's stomach dropped when Hikaru stirred. She realized exactly how much she did _not_ want to revisit _any_ of this. It would be so much easier to just bury the past and pretend everything was fine. No matter how not fine it was.

xxx

They had decided to go out to eat because there was nothing in Hikaru's apartment that constituted breakfast. Haruhi declared that she would kill for meat and pancakes, so they agreed on Denny's which was one of the only places close by that could accommodate such a craving. Haruhi even offered to treat as thanks for having taken care of her.

Haruhi made a point of behaving like her regular self, while on the inside, she was trying desperately to decide what she was going to tell her friend. They ordered and talked and ate like normal. Hikaru marveled at Haruhi's meal of steak and pancakes as he ate his omelette. He did not say anything, but he had noticed that Haruhi was pensive and trying very hard not to show it. He wanted so badly to ask her, but he would wait for her to tell him on her own.

Their overlying conversation had reached a natural lull near the end of their meal, and they ate in comfortable silence until Haruhi suddenly broke it.

"Tamaki asked me to marry him."

Hikaru's eyes went so wide that they could have fallen out of their sockets, and he nearly choked on his food.

His response was immediately animated. "Seriously? He finally popped the question? Ha! Congratulations!" He sounded excited and happy for her, though, in his own mind, his response sounded slightly disingenuous, but he could not quite place why. He continued his line of jubilant questions anyway, "Did he do it in the traditional Prince-Tamaki-style: on one knee, little box, big ring?"

Haruhi nodded, but said nothing. She looked back down at her meal, pushing the food meaninglessly around the plate.

"Did he cry when you said yes?"

"No."

Her responses were all unexpectedly demure, given the situation, but Hikaru ignored it. "No? Aww, that's too bad. Would have been a fun story to tell your kids. -For _me_ to tell your kids!" he said with a laugh.

"I didn't say yes," she answered quietly.

Hikaru almost did not hear her. It seemed like such an impossible statement that he thought he could have simply imagined it.

"What? You said no? Why?"

There were a hundred ways that he could have asked this question. He could have asked it sadly or sympathetically or quizzically or incredulously. However, he chose none of those ways. The question came across more like, "You said no? Why [would you do something stupid like that]?" That was how Haruhi heard his query. For some reason, that sentiment was unexpectedly painful coming from him. She was not sure how to react to him. Part of her was angry, part of her was sad, and there was also a tiny voice of reason amidst all the emotion, saying, "Maybe you're overreacting, and he didn't mean that the way it sounded."

Hikaru did not give her enough time to recover and respond before he continued, asking a very relevant question: "Wait, I'm confused though. Why would that have upset you so badly that you would go wandering out into a thunderstorm? Did something happen after you said no?"

The whole truth behind her upset came to Haruhi's mind and brought forth a whole new myriad of emotions. She had to choke them all back to give Hikaru the short answer, which was to his immediate question.

"No, not at all," she told him honestly. "He didn't do anything. He's just really upset and doesn't understand why I didn't say yes."

"_I_ don't understand why you didn't say yes," Hikaru countered. "I thought you loved him. I mean, you even went so far as to go against you own moral code just to be able to please him. If-"

"It's _because_ of that that I can't marry him right now. And I didn't say 'No.' I only said that I needed time to think."

Hikaru immediately calmed down. "Oh. Well, that's fine then. I guess I can understand that. But why were you so upset then? Is he not giving you time? I don't mean to upset you. I'm just asking because I'm worried about you."

The way he said that and the way he was looking at her made her heart ache for keeping the truth from him- just as much as it hurt to keep it from Tamaki. She wanted to run away, but she did not want to be alone. Should she tell him? _Could_ she tell him? He was still watching her. It felt like she was drowning, and he was right there, offering his hand. All she had to do was take it. But what if... What if, she finally reached for his hand and he took it back? What if he rejected what she had to say? Tamaki definitely would have had a meltdown. That was why she could not tell him. But maybe Hikaru would be ok with it.

Clattering of dishes from the busser clearing the table behind her startled her from her turmoil. With her head back in reality, she realized that even if she did decide to tell him, it was not going to be in the middle of Denny's.

"I... um... I can't tell you. Not here, not now."

This surprised and immediately worried Hikaru. It was unusual for Haruhi to keep things from him. What could be so wrong that she could not talk to him about it? It was not like she got embarrassed around him anymore. Could it be something serious? And why would it stop her from marrying Tamaki?

That question puzzled Hikaru all during the awkwardly silent trip back. It gnawed at him relentlessly. What on earth could it be? Had she met someone else? Could she be sick (Heaven forbid)? Could she be planning to leave the country again without telling anyone? (She had tried that once before, after all.) Unlikely, but he would have to ask Kyouya to look into it, just in case. Maybe she just was no longer in love with Tono, so she could not bring herself to agree to marriage. No, that did not sound like Haruhi at all. If she no longer loved Tono, then she would not stay with him.

Then something she had said echoed in his thoughts: "Its _because_ of what we did..." Could she be feeling guilty? Could it be that she does not feel worthy of being Tamaki's wife because of their relationship? It was not as if they were anything more than friends. If she wanted to stop the sex, she could do that easily. It would never stop him from being her friend. She knew that, right? Could it be something else? He looked down at her walking beside him through the corridor to his door. She looked deep in thought.

He wanted to ask again because he wanted to know, but he did not want to ask again because he did not want to hear again that she could not tell him something when it was clearly so important. He sighed defeatedly as they walked through the threshold of his place.

Haruhi had welcomed the quiet time. She spent it trying to choose her words and predict his possible reactions. She reasoned with her fears that, given their history, and their current relationship, she could tell him. He was her friend, and he was a good man. He would help her through it. When they walked through the door, she was ready. She repeated in her head: Just tell him. Rip it off like a band-aid.

She said his name, but he was too involved in his own thoughts to hear her, so she poked him in the ribs. He was so startled that his knees nearly buckled. Haruhi could not help but laugh at him. He mock-scowled, which turned into a smile, glad that she seemed to be feeling better.

Between the entryway and the couch, Haruhi's mood changed from playful to softly serious. As they sat, Haruhi began, "Hikaru, the reason I couldn't simply accept Tamaki's proposal..."

"I think I understand," Hikaru interjected.

"No, you really don't," Haruhi tried to stop him.

It did not work. "You're feeling guilty, ri-"

Like a band-aid. "Hikaru, I'm pregnant."

* * *

(A/N: raise your hand if you totally saw that coming. raise both hands if you know what's going to happen next. ok, now hands down on keyboards to review. ;-) i've gotten some really great reviews for this story. thank you all so much! *love and flowers*)


	8. Chapter 8

(A/N: i was sitting on this chapter for like 3 days just because i didnt feel like proofing it. not a whole lot happens, but i cant just completely skip over the less-than-exciting parts.

IMPORTANT POINT: there are a couple of references to Kaoru in here. these are references to another story. you dont have to read it to know what's going on here bc its not even remotely relevant to this story. its there bc i felt like it.

and to those of you who have read 'sex lies and consequences': there. now you know what happened. (actually, since writing this, i've considered adding to it. _considered_.)

anyway, enjoy!)

* * *

Hikaru bit his lip, willing the tears to stop. In that moment, he had been presented with the opportunity to be happy. But at the time, he did not realize that. It had not occurred to him that this path could have led to happiness. All he had felt then was terror and denial. He desperately wanted to go back to that moment. He would have showered Haruhi with all the love that she had probably needed from him, instead of behaving like a stupid coward as he had.

xxx

Hikaru paused for a moment, but his brain refused to process the full implications of her statement. "Isn't that good? Tamaki would be thrilled. A little Harumaki running around would be adorable. Annoying, but adorable."

Haruhi was not sure whether he was being deliberately dense or if he was just stupid. Either way, she was going to set him straight. "And if it's yours?"

Hikaru stopped— stopped talking, stopped thinking, stopped breathing. When his brain finally started to function again, still, all he could manage was to stammer, "But.. but... we were careful..."

"Yeah, except for that one time, you remember."

Shit. The shower.

Hikaru's blood ran cold. This was impossible. After what happened to Kaoru, he was always so careful about protection. He thought that if he pulled out they would be safe in the shower.

"But didn't you try that with Tamaki too? Then isn't it more likely to be his?"

"No, we only did it once in the shower, and Tamaki is always so careful about protection ... But the point is that I don't know for sure."

Hikaru's heart sank again. "I see. So this is why you were so upset by Tamaki's proposal. How long have you known?"

"Only a few days. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow."

...

Tomorrow came and went. Haruhi left a message on Hikaru's cell because he was not answering his phone. She found out that she was 5 weeks pregnant and the doctor could perform a paternity test at 10 weeks. It seemed like an eternity away. She tried her best to not think about it and just go about her daily life. Suddenly, her daily life became absolutely exhausting.

She never told Tamaki about the pregnancy; he had been miserable enough from being told to wait for her answer to his proposal. After seeing her doctor, she did tell him that he would only have to wait for six weeks for her answer. (She wanted to give herself an extra week to think about what she wanted to say to him, depending on the result.) Then he was thrilled. He declared that he was going to think of it like waiting for a package to arrive. However, that kind of patience was not in Tamaki's nature. Instead, he decided that he was going to "secretly" influence her decision. As a result of this new plot against Haruhi's sanity, Tamaki was on top of his "princely" game. He sent flowers, he sent stuffed animals, he sent singing telegrams, all expressing his undying love. Under _normal_ circumstances, Haruhi would have found all of this exhausting and profoundly irritating. All of his nonsense, on top of having to keep a huge secret from the man she loved, _on top of_ not feeling well had poor Haruhi ready to become a mountain hermit.

And then there was Hikaru. He had not called Haruhi once in the four and a half weeks since that day. He did answer his phone occasionally when Haruhi would call, but he always seemed busy, and they did see each other occasionally at school. They could converse pleasantly without anyone ever knowing all of the drama that was hidden just beneath the surface.

Haruhi was so angry with him for ignoring her like this, but at the same time, she was always glad to be able to talk to him, even a little. She missed her friend terribly. She missed laughing with him and talking about important things with him. She did not care if she never had sex with him again, as long as he would just call her.

Hikaru had had no good reason to have ignored Haruhi the way he had. As a matter of fact, he too had desperately wanted to talk to her. He missed her smile and her laugh and her warmth. But he was terrified. Every time he thought of her, the thought of a baby came too, as well as the oppressive weight of that responsibility. His brother was married with two kids. In theory he could ask him for advice, but... no. It was different now. His relationship with his brother was different now, not as seamless as it had been when they were kids. And he could not really ask anyone else about it because of the risk of exposing Haruhi and their secret. Instead, he threw himself headlong into school and work and anything he could find to keep himself busy. It broke his heart when Haruhi would say "Yeah, you sound busy. I guess I'll talk to you later." He always wanted to tell her, "No, you know I'm never too busy for you," but the fact is that he was busy, by his own doing.

He was in the middle of showering, when thoughts of Haruhi crept into his mind again. He had to finish his shower, and after that, all that awaited him was bed, so there was no way for him to escape. It was then that he first considered, "Imagine how hard this must be for her." He marveled at the efficacy of his thought-numbing efforts for this to have not occurred to him sooner. He wished it had. That one thought washed away all of the bone-crushing fears, until all that was left was the damage that was already done. When he got out of the shower, instead of just calling her, he left for her apartment, hoping that he could still repair it.

Haruhi was completely flabbergasted when she saw Hikaru through her peephole. She wanted to throw the door open and grab him into a hug, but the part of her that was mad at him prevented her from doing that. She opened the door. "Hikaru, what are you doing here?" She had intended for the tone of her question to sound nothing more than curious, but her voice betrayed her, allowing into it her surprise and happiness to see him.

Instead of answering her, Hikaru prostrated himself before her. "Haruhi, I'm so sorry I ignored you all this time. I was so absorbed in my own fears that I didn't even think of how hard this must be for you."

Haruhi was taken aback by his words. Her heart softened, but she said nothing.

"Please forgive me." He said nothing else, and did not lift his head.

Haruhi was a little surprised that he, as a "rich bastard", was capable of such a display of humility. She crouched down and touched his shoulder. He lifted his head to look at her. She smiled softly and offered her hand to help him up. "Come on, get up," she said softly. They stood together and walked inside.

Haruhi had not actually said that she had forgiven him. This made Hikaru uneasy, so he felt compelled to ask. "Does this mean you forgive me?"

Haruhi side-glanced him and paused, as if considering, before answering, "Yeah."

As soon as the word had left her lips, Hikaru pulled Haruhi into a hug.

* * *

(A/N: thank you everyone for all the support and reviews! knowing that there are ppl who actually read my writing is what keeps me doing it. i'm always happy to hear your thoughts, questions, concerns (btw, lordlopez, see? i told you i had it covered.), and praise (praise is good too ;))


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: YES! I got up a new chapter! First I would like to say I AM SO SORRY to those whom I abandoned between july and now. Next, to those who reviewed, thank you so much. You were my motivation to keep trying to figure out this chapter through my hideous writer's block. Much love to you 3

IMPORTANT: You need to tell me if i screwed this up. I wrote [most of] this today, so I need you to tell me about any continuity errors (or grammar/spelling problems). If anything doesn't make sense to you, please tell me, and i'll address it.

Enjoy!

* * *

Haruhi's cell phone buzzed in her pocket. She nearly dropped her mug. She looked at the phone. It was just a text from a coworker. She replied to it and realized, as she returned her phone to her pocket, that she was still in her work clothes. She glanced over at Hikaru. He had not moved, and his eyes were still closed, so she went to change.

*.*.*

The exam room was cold. The ultrasound goo was cold. The fear was cold.

Haruhi used the physical cold as a focal point to avoid facing what was happening: she was lying on an exam table, having DNA taken from her, so she can find out whether a man who was _not _her boyfriend had _impregnated_ her.

Her toes curled and she pressed her feet into the stirrups as the needle went in. She squeezed her eyes shut and held her breath. A tear slid down her cheek.

When it was over, the doctor told her that she should stay off her feet for at least 24 hours to avoid complications. However, as she walked back into the waiting room where Hikaru was waiting for her after having his cheek swabbed, it occured to her whether those complications wouldn't be preferable.

They walked out to Hikaru's two-seater, Hikaru keeping his arm around her.

"Hey, Haruhi, I was thinking," he said casually, as he helped her into the passenger seat, "if it's mine, you don't have to, you know... keep it.." He closed her door on that statement and walked around the car. As he opened the driver's-side door, he continued with his thought, "That is, if you want to. I mean, if you want to keep it, that's fine too-"

It was good that she had already been sitting when he made this brilliant declaration. Had she not been, her knees might have buckled under her. She turned to him while he was still talking and asked, with no particular expression or intonation, "By 'not keep' you mean..."

It was not at all that she did not know exactly what he was saying to her, but somehow she needed him to say it out loud.

"Well, I meant, um, termination," he replied slowly, obviously uncomfortable with the necessity for articulation. "But actually, if you wanted to consider adoption, I would be ok with that too. I just thought that... with Tamaki and all- I mean, honestly, I hope its his-"

"No, I understand. It's fine," she replied, trying to mirror her tone to her statement. In her own mind, her bitter reply was, "yeah, so you don't have to deal with it". But saying something like that would have been unnecessarily unkind. For now, she just wanted him to stop talking. Talking about it made it very real, and, without the test results, she just wanted to put all her thought into it being Tamaki's.

Seeming to read her mind- or maybe her face, Hikaru did not say anything else about it.

...

Haruhi stared at the results, wishing it said something else. She wished that she had tested Tamaki's DNA too, just so it could be some kind of horrible mix-up. There was no mistake, though. It was Hikaru, with over 99% accuracy. She closed her eyes and willed her tears to remain at bay; this was no time to fall apart. She needed to focus on how she was going to tell Hikaru... and Tamaki.

Hikaru first. Like a band-aid. She called Hikaru and told him that the results were in, then grabbed the paper and headed for his place.

The trip gave her time to her own thoughts, and for the time being, she welcomed them. She knew that telling him would be easy, but what came after that? What would she do? Raise it on her own? Raise it with Tamaki? Give it up for adoption? Raise it with Hikaru?

Then Hikaru's voice echoed in her mind: "Termination."

A bitter feeling rose in her. He had no desire to raise a baby with her. After all, when she told him about it, he all but disappeared from her life for over a month. The cold, logical part of her spoke with authority, telling her that she would be best off terminating and never speaking of it at all. Tamaki would hate her if he knew, and Hikaru clearly wanted it gone.

By the time she reached his door, she had made her decision. By the time he answered it, she knew what she was going to say.

As soon as he opened the door, she handed him the paper. They sat on the couch together and Haruhi stated confidently to him, "Hikaru, I think you were right."

Hikaru was reading the results as she said this. "Right about what? - Oh."

"Can you take me to the clinic sometime this week?"

Having had no time to process the news, Hikaru had no other response but, "Yeah, ok."

Not taking into account the possibility of dumbfoundedness, his overt concordance was unexpectedly hurtful. She had not realized that she had been expecting anything else. Then a sudden realization flooded into her consciousness, painting every surface with dread: there was no possible happy ending in this. A crushing sensation gripped her chest. She felt like she was suffocating.

It must have shown on her face because Hikaru put his hand on her knee and asked whether she was ok.

She swallowed hard, swallowing all those thoughts and feelings. If she cried now, it might break her resolve. She was making the right decision. This way, she was only ruining herself, she would not have to drag Tamaki and Hikaru down with her.

* * *

A/N: I would like to reiterate my gratitude to those who reviewed. Everyone review! You all are my validation as a "writer". I promise that i will try my hardest to get the next chapter out sooner for you.


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